I dont feel like it

"I will, bless the Lord forever. I will trust him at all times. He has delivered me from all Fear. He has set my feet upon a rock. I will not be moved, and I'll say of the Lord, you are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower, my ever present help in time of need."

Hypocracy:

These are words that i am supposed to sing tomorrow as I lead the congregation in worship. The problem is that i just don't feel like singing them.

The Bible tells us that people speak about what is filling their hearts. My heart is filled with Grief, Sorrow, pain, loss, regret, anger, and darkness. NO ONE wants to sing about such things on Sunday morning at Church. How do i know? THEY TELL ME SO. "Brother Andy, we need more fast paced upbeat happy songs so that we can praise God better" is what they say. YET HOW CAN I DO THAT? Am I to be a hipocrite and speak words that are not in me at the time? Why can't the church be real about our pain and suffering?

TRUTH:

What I really want to say is "Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide in times of Trouble?" Psalm 10:1. I want to say GOD! I'm crying out to your from the depths of HELL itself, CAN YOU HEAR ME? LISTEN TO ME, GOD. I'm crying out in pain. My soul feels like it is being crushed by the heavy weight of death, death is too powerful for me to deal with. Why God would you allow this to happen? Why take him?

You see I lost a friend yesterday. Death. Dead. Died. Deceased. All of these words have been uttered today many times, yet none of them is an accurate description, I don't know if an accurate description exists in the English language. These words all seem so sterile, so empty, so meaningless, so inadequate.

The irony of this situation is that he and I had drifted apart for many years, yet in the last year we had started to reconnect. I was looking forward to having my friend back. However, it was not to be. Today I stood at his widow's house, without word, without cheer, totally useless. I wanted to offer hope and comfort, but all I felt was the loss and pain that seemed to be consuming the entire area. Somewhere in the middle of all that emotion, GUILT found its way to the surface. I had no right to be standing there with people who had stayed connected to my friend when I hadn't.

It had already been a rough 24 hours, then she said it. A statement that made me think about what a terrible friend I had been. The story she told me was not intended to do that, it was meant as a testimony to our friendship and that no matter what had happened our friendship was something he still valued. She wanted me to know that he LOVED me. ME? What?

CONFESSION

Psalm 6:4-7 ESV
Turn, O Lord , deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love.  For in death there is no remembrance of you; in Sheol who will give you praise?  I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.  My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all my foes.

I don't cry much. I don't cry in front of people for sure. It isn't that I think that crying is girly, or that real men don't cry, I just don't do it. Maybe it is because I like to be in control of my emotions and i take pride in not being "that guy" when it comes to being emotional, or maybe I'm just a cold hearted (insert explicative here).

Last night, I cried. Today I cried. I've been on the verge of tears most of the day. Little things make me want to cry. I've struggled all day to stay in control, and I hate it. I want so badly to just let it all out but I can't. clearly something is wrong wtih me. I want to grieve for the loss of my friend, for the loss that his wife is suffering, for the kids. I can't even cry for the kids.

I tell myself that it is because I know that God has a plan. For the record, I'm not a big fan of this plan right now. I tell myself it is because I operate from a standpoint of faith most of the time. I tell myself it is because he wouldn't want me too. It all makes me feel worse

SEARCHING:

So i started to look a little deeper. Did the events of the last 24 hours make me lose my faith? Did they make me lessen my faith? Do I really believe that God has a plan in all of this mess? Do I really believe that God knows what he is doing?

NO, NO, YES, YES. I actually do believe this stuff is what I realized.

I turned to the scriptures. Specifically the Psalms.

Psalm 16:8 ESV
I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

My faith in God has not been shaken. I don't like what has happened one bit, but it will not shake my faith. I will not allow it to make me lose faith in God one bit. One really neat thing I learned today about my friend in the time that we had drifted apart what that he had developed a rock solid faith in God. Inspite of circumstances that would have crushed most men, be remained faithful. No, he grew MORE faithful. WOW.

Over and over again through the Psalms we read about pain, and suffering, anguish, defeat, death and dispair, yet then we read deeply moving statements about God's faithfulness, love, unending mercy, Grace, and defence of his people. It would amost seem as if suffering and praise go together. it seems odd to my mind that those two would go together and I really don't understand that, but it seems to be true.

Crisis of Belief:

So my friend is gone from this life. I will see him no more this side of heaven. His family is going to struggle, they are going to mourn and grieve, they will feel his loss emensley more than I. I am filled with pain, grief, sorrow, regret, guilt, and loss AND I have to lead worship tomorrow. What am I going to do?

Decision time:

I cannot really say what will actually transpire tomorrow. What I can say is that I will sing the songs of faith, dependance, repentance & restoration tomorrow to the best of my ability believing that the word of God is true. Sure, I'm going to have a difficult time with the emotions. I will not pretend that it will be easy for me, but I will make the choice to place my trust in a God that is able to handle my emotions. I will make the choice to believe the God revealed in scripture, I will chose to bless him at all times, that he will deliver me from all fear, and will set my feet on CHRIST the SOLID ROCK.

Psalm 34:1-4 ESV

I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.  My soul makes its boast in the Lord ; let the humble hear and be glad.  Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!  I sought the Lord , and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 130:1-8 ESV

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord !  O Lord, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!  If you, O Lord , should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?  But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.  I wait for the Lord , my soul waits, and in his word I hope;  my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.  O Israel, hope in the Lord ! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.  And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.